|Brent Michael Kelley|
is holding out me
Johnny: This is the Lump Raising Rock of Thao.
Brent: And this?
J: That’s the Knee Joint Wrong-Bender of KIoppriiya.
B: I see. Is that an ashtray?
J: Yes it’s called The Spittle Dribbler of Bourffts. Guess what happens when you put cigarette out in it.
J: Oh, don’t stand there. That’s the Wedgie Yanker of Mulooborg.
|The Spittle Dribbler of Bourffts|
B: The Bleeding Jaws of Glughu. It’s not a real knife.
J: Sure it is. You’re just holding back. I need it. NEED IT for my collection.
B: You got an impressive display here, though. Those Star Wars figures are as awesome as my--
J: Give it to me.
B: Not a real thing. I can’t give it to you.
J: See that? That’s the Flatulence Inducer of Vopplianderscoop. You know what would look awesome beside it? The Bleeding Jaws of Glughu.
B: Do you believe everything you read?
J: I have internet.
B: Good point. So is the Bleeding Jaws of Glughu the only reason you brought me here?
J: No. Chuggie. I love Chuggie. He’s the ultimate sympathetic murdering fantasy anti-hero role model. I loved your first book. LOVED IT! Now Chuggie’s back in Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways! How’s he doing?
B: Drunk and surly as always. I don’t think he “murders” anybody in the new book, though. Or, wait, does he? I have to think about that.
J: What’s Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways about?
B: It’s five days after the events of Chuggie and the Desecration of Stagwater, and Chuggie’s got some work to do. He’s got some new ghost pals to torment, and his new bone dagger – the Bleeding Jaws of Glughu – is doing strange things. We also get to catch up with the sexy blade cultist, Fey Voletta. We get to meet Ree Priole, the wife of a slain guardsman from Stagwater. We meet Pazuel, a half-demon creature on a path of enlightenment. There’s a monster turtle, a volcano, some cleavermen. I think it’s a fun little adventure with lots of action and booze. Not a lot of nudity in this one, but I think we made up for it with sweet, sweet action. And if those weren’t enough reasons to buy yourself a copy, I’m donating half of my first year royalties to the American Cancer Society.
B: Chuggie's not for kids, and cancer shouldn't be either. If they can cure bleeding gums, so much the better.
J: You could just give me the knife. That'll stop it – for you anyway.
B: I'll stick with better brushing and cancer research.
J: What is Chuggie exactly?
B: Chuggie’s the embodiment of Drought on a world called Mag Mell. He doesn’t like being such a destructive force, though. A long time ago, he found that being good-an'-drunk helped quiet the preternatural thirst that screams in his head. Naturally, he decided to get good and tore back on booze, then put a curse of permanence on himself. Boom, problem partially solved. He’s semi-immortal, meaning that he can die. If he does, he’ll drown for a while and come back. That, of course, depends on if you believe his drunken rantings. Not everything he says is 100% reliable, as we’ve seen. He’s got two sisters, Flood and Wildfire, as well as a brother, Sickness. Will we get to meet one in Bleeding Gateways? I’m not saying.
J: Bleeding Gateways takes place right after Desecration of Stagwater. What’s up with that?
B: The Desecration of Stagwater opened up a can of monster-worms. When I finished writing it, I knew the events around there were just heating up. Chuggie’s story is only a part of the story of Mag Mell. This world is a monster-filled tinderbox, and there are plenty of folks running around stricking matches. Big, horrible things are on the horizon for Mag Mell.
J: How is it to write a sequel?
B: It’s definitely tricky. You need to keep a close eye on what you’ve done in the previous book. Luckily, I have a copy of Chuggie and the Desecration of Stagwater in my home for reference. The only problem is getting it away from my wife! She LOVES that book. She reads it constantly and tells me how brilliant I am for writing it. On Opposite Day. I think the original plan was to write adventures for Chuggie that were all self-contained and not necessarily related. Once I got into that world, though, this sort of invisible geometry revealed a broader story with much higher stakes.
|Butt Pincher of Zuyao|
J: Invisible geometry... I get it. Have you found a genre yet? It’s not exactly fantasy. It’s not horror. It sure as hellfire isn’t for children. It’s not punk, country, rock-a-billy, classical, or boy-band. Where would a retentive bookstore clerk with a label maker put your Chuggie books?
B: I just call it Dark Fantasy. Maybe I should come up with a long-winded, pretentious genre of my own… Let’s see, just off the top of my head… Neo-Splat Black Fantasy Sci-fi Horror Revival Drugs. Or maybe something about Soup, I don’t know. I’m not one of these “creative” types that can just come up with original things at will. Sorry.
J: Don’t sit there. That’s the Butt Pincher of Zuyao. And that’s the Oozing Canker Sore of Sruuylto. That’s really a mean corner there, actually. Just keep to the middle of the room.
B: You mean stand under the Wedgie Yanker of Mulooborg? You just told me NOT to stand there.
|Forgetting Crepes of Xazz|
J: Did I? The Forgetting Crepes of Xazz must be working. I don’t remember saying that. Anyway, in the strange twisted demon-infested universe you’ve created, you have your share of magic items. Stagwater begins with none, just Chuggie and his anchor which is strange, but not cool like his later toys. What’s your thinking on magic items?
B: The trick is to come up with something unique. The goat face purse is fun to write about, because you go suicidally insane if you look inside. The Bleeding Jaws of Glughu has some surprises, too. Not every artifact can be magic, though. Some things can just be cool on their own. I’ll say this, powerful artifacts may come and go for Chuggie. He’ll always have that anchor.
|Knee Joint Wrong-Bender of KIoppriiya|
J: Can I have the Bleeding Jaws of Glughu?
B: The bloody juice of what now?
B: Do the Truffle Shuffle while I think about it.
J: Okay. Change of subject. You said before that Tom Waits was an inspiration for Chuggie. Is he again for Bleeding Gateways or have you found a new muse?
B: Chuggie will always be played by Tom Waits when I watch it play out in my head. I’ve thought of some other people that I think could play the role, though. Here’s some: Jeff Daniels, Woody Harrelson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gary Oldman. Johnny Depp could probably do Chuggie justice, too.
|Flatulence Inducer of Vopplianderscoop|
B: Sure, if you can promise not to defile it.
J: I do what I want! What about the Goat Face Purse? Surely you don’t need that.
B: It’s at the cleaner’s.
B: I can tell you how to make your own if you promise not to let anyone look inside. Seriously, not ever.
J: It wouldn't be the same. I want yours. How is it being a published author? What can I expect? Beatrysel is coming in September.
|Wedgie Yanker of Mulooborg|
B: I hope you like money and fame, Johnny, because that’s what you’re about to get! After this we should head to the boat dealership and pick you out a jet-boat! If you don’t start spending that money now, you’ll be sorry later.
J: Babes? What about babes?
B: Oh, sure, there’s be plenty of babes. Beautiful ladies from around the world to massage your feet, fan you with palm fronds, feed you grapes. The whole bit. It’ll be fun for a while, but there’s a point where you’ll just want a peaceful moment screaming across the bay in your jet-boat without a flock of swimsuit models groping you. Everything in moderation, Johnny. Except psychedelic mushrooms, but I don’t have to tell YOU that! Ha!
|Oozing Canker Sore of Sruuylto|
B: I haven’t done much of that yet. I’m up in the woods, you see. Conventions happen far from here. I did a signing last fall at my old college, though. I hope to get back there again this fall. That’s where Chuggie first visited me, so I feel like every kid there should have a signed copy or two. I haven’t been banned in Kansas or Texas yet, but I’m working on it. The Westboro Hatist Church promises me I’m on their to-read list, but the gal couldn’t say how long until they’d get to it. I guess their stack is pretty deep at this point. Nice lady, though, and she assured me they’ll protest me as soon as humanly possible. Of course, that was two weeks ago. I’m resisting the urge to call and pester them about it because they’re the ones doing me the favor. I’d hate to upset somebody and get moved to the bottom of the pile!
J: Where on the Internet can my peeps find out more about you and all this?
B Ouch. Crap. Ouch! What the hell?
Self-Slapper of Jhutt
BARNES AND NOBLE
J: You seem to have inhaled some of the Self-Slapper of Jhutt.
B: Was that what that was? Not cool. Maybe if I sit on my hands, it’ll--
J: Whoa! Whoa whoa. Ohhhh….Get up. Sorry. Looks like you stepped in the Ankle Sweller of Ooughy. That one takes a long time to wear off. Take your shoes off if you want to save them.
B: Why’th my thung tho big?
|Tongue Embiggerer of Lugot|
J: Tongue Embiggerer of Lugot. You must have looked at it.
B: Looked ath ith?
J: It’s all it takes sometimes. You should know that.
B: Athho thaoa Thewe Thrff, threastthft.
J: No need to get nasty.
B: Outh! I forgot. The Butt Pinther of Zuyao.
J: Yeah. That’ll bruise.
B: You thun uff a bith. I wanna cookie.